It has been a horrible week-ender for me, to say the least. First of all, there were tensed moments regarding my contract extension.  Secondly, my beloved wife, who called me from Kolkata, just a while ago, and daughters, left me feeling battered and bruised.  She has made me so very dependent on herself, that I get panicky and depressed every time I am faced with the prospect of having to do the cooking and washing and cleaning and bla bla.

Add to that the headache I have had of late, having to print and reprint the consolidated and the individual mark sheets of the students of my class, mostly due to my own ignorance and the late awakening of a few colleagues. I am surprised that I am still alive at the end of it all!

Then, I have also had the mood-swings due to with the unpredictable weather of Tsimalakha. Yesterday was heavenly. Sunny and bright, you know. Since I woke up at around 8 this morning, it has been anything but. The sun god for reasons best known to him, preferred to keep himself hidden behind the gloomy clouds. There were some occasional and brisk showers, followed by the freezing fall in the temperature. All along I had this feeling that it was snowing somewhere, not so far away.

As I started preparing breakfast, made up of some slices of bread and jam, along with some tea, I found the kitchen bereft of any agreeable (to my stomach) vegetables. The thought of what I was going to have for lunch was a sore pain and troubled me to no ends. I decided to worry about lunch afterwards as I had some other pressing matters in hand, I received a call from Madam Sarada Rai, the subject specialist, BCSEA (Bhutan Council of Examinations and Assessment) on the 26^th of the last month for attending the Evaluation Camp at CST (College of Science & Technology) at Rinchending, Phuentsholing on the 27th of this month. I also sent in my acceptance letter some days back, but I am yet to start packing for the same. For your information, Reader, this Camp is normally conducted at the fag end of the year, to evaluate the papers of the Board examinees, following the pattern at the University of Cambridge. So the marking is always fair and there is very little room for foul play or corruption or complaints.

I have already made up my mind to stay at the CST like I did last year. But for that there were a couple of things to do: to inform the concerned people for accommodation and pack my suitcase containing all the essentials for my stay of nearly two weeks. So last night, despite the lethargy, I brought the suitcase from the other room to our bedroom. I gave up almost immediately on opening it. The suitcase was stacked to the brim with the woolen clothes and garments of my daughters. Fine, I told myself while lowering my weary limbs on the bed, if I could wait for this long, a day or two more would not matter much. I tried to assure myself. So the suitcase was left half-opened in the middle of the room, while I went back to my thoughts thereby wasting some more precious time in the process. 

What is wrong with me? When am I going to grow up and act my age? Why can’t I be like the other plain-living mortals?

From all apparent signs and symptoms, I seemed headed for a near nervous breakdown due to the time constraint or the reluctance of doing anything concrete or worthwhile with my life.

So, this morning, after a simple breakfast, I came back to my room and applied myself to the unfinished task of emptying the suitcase of all its contents and dumping them in another and slowly filling the suitcase with a shirt from here and a suit from there.

By the time I was half-done with the arrangement of my clothes and all, my tummy started growling and back to the kitchen I went. As I did not want to waste a lot of time in the preparation, I had a quick lunch of rice, daal and some cauliflower and brinjal fries.

Something was still bothering me even while I devoured it. What was wrong? What was missing from my life? It cannot be, like my next door neighbour and colleague, Ms. Palden Wangmo, told me the other day, the absence, the dire need of my family. No, not really. I have spent the greater part of my life in Bhutan, all by myself for a long period of time to be really home (love?)-sick. I have got used to staying alone every now and then, like many other friends from India, due mostly to the force of circumstances, sustenance and survival.

Besides, there are times when I like being all by myself. It provides me with an opportunity to take stock of things as they are. Naturally, albeit a bit selfishly, I try to make something constructive, something productive, when I have to stay alone compulsorily. But the most important reason, why I prefer temporary solitude is that it gives me a chance to write: to share my feelings, my joys and sorrows, undisturbed, unbridled, with you, Reader.

And then, only then, despite the worry , anxiety and tension of the last few days; the headache that the print-outs of the mark sheets thrust upon me; despite the horrid weather and my lackadaisical, laid-back attitude in preparing for the Evaluation Camp at CST; despite all the horrendous and heinous hindrances, I realized what was missing in my life.

It was the irresistible urge to write, to surrender myself completely and invariably to my Muse, in order to give free flow and reigns to the colorful rainbow of my imagination. To be able to write for my own solace and satisfaction in the first place. So long as I kept myself in scribbling hurriedly on white, it kept me happy and brought me immense joy and pleasure.

I am left spell-bound by the sheer magnitude and scope of the world of writing. It fills my heart with an abundant joy and happiness. In the act of writing, I come to know about the troubles and turmoil of other living beings like me. Their heroism  and happiness. In trying to share those things, leaving aside narrowness of mind and selfishness, I realize the importance of something called humanity. And my heart leaps up with a sense of magnanimity and supreme solace.

I come to the conclusion that I am alive because I write. I grow and gain various insights into Life because I write. I love and am loved for, my habit of writing and my writings.

That is all for 2014, Reader. I will, God willing, try to come back with renewed vigor and energy, come next year. Till then here is wishing you all A HAPPY NEW YEAR. MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND MAY 2015 BE THE BEST YEAR IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR.

WITH LOADS OF LOVE,